How to recognize Abuez? How to understand that your partner does violence, even if not physical? If you have questions and you want to dispel doubts – let’s analyze the main signs of Abuez in relations with the expert.
You hear the word "Abugus" – which person is drawn in your imagination? When I ask this question to customers and program participants, I most often hear the following characteristics in the descriptions:
thinks only about himself;
ready to go to anything for your interests.
Most of us have a sustainable image of the villain that has recently settled in the Russian language. Most often – men, who, it seems, by the above signs can be quickly recognized. If this was the case in reality, then the number of stories of traumatic, and sometimes even disabled relationships would significantly decrease. And even completely came down to zero.
It is worth saying about two main myths, thanks to which even people who have knowledge about toxic relationships still continue to get into them.
Two myths about Abugues
Myth 1. Abuezer can be seen right away – this is an aggressive person openly
In reality, it is extremely rare at the first meetings, and even at the first ten meetings, you can become an object of open aggression of a person who is inclined to brutal behavior in close relations. Most often, people who later were able to at first, at first, are visible to the impressions of pleasant, attentive, erudite interlocutors and companions.
Myth 2. Abuguser is a man
Linguistic insidiousness. The word masculine, which automatically, unconsciously interferes to recognize and name as soon as possible their tendency and in women to emotional and physical violence. The case when the expectations formed on a genital basis may interfere. Abouzer-woman-not so rare.
The exposure of these two myths is the first step that allows you to look wider and more attentive at the quality of communication with which we surround ourselves. The second step is to give an exhaustive answer to the question about the signs of an abuser in a relationship.
Abuzive Relations: Beautiful Beginning
Rare relations, which later became destructive, began immediately unpleasant. In order for the rapprochement to occur, it is important for us to be charmed, to feel the attraction. And it is not so important – we are talking about romance or friendship, keen interest – the main condition for contact.
Often in relationships that brought a lot of pain, only after a while you manage to recall those moments when you already felt “something wrong”, but did not attach any importance to this. This happens because a favorable impression at first has the ability to fix in our perception, creating a “pinkish filter” for some time. Since rapprochement with the one who is cute brings joy to us, we will unconsciously strive to renew it while this is possible.
If you dare look a few more layers deeper, then unconsciously in rapprochement with some people we are looking for healing of some long-standing wounds. As if something inside us wants a happier denouement of the script, in which questions about our importance, value, uniqueness were addressed to a significant person, and affirmative answers were not obtained.
In the hope of getting convincing and unequivocal “yes” we show the willingness to close our eyes first on a small one, and then on a lot. Excuses – multi -storey, seeming logical explanations of cruelty and inadequacy of human actions – become a separate skill. And the abuser gives enough reason to train it, bringing to the level of virtuosity. Especially if yesterday he promised love again.
So the dance of toxic relationships in partnership and friendship is twisted. And the more sign it is its rhythm, the more difficult it is to refuse yourself a temptation to rush into dance.
Abuez: How to understand that violence has already begun
Abuez’s melody in a relationship will never sound with a loud introduction, but intensifies gradually, according to decibel per week. And therefore, the signs of Abuez in relationships are often difficult to recognize and are completely unarmed by a loving ear. However, just as there are 7 musical notes, I managed to highlight 7 signs by which Abuez guesses.
1. Very white coat
A person prone to Abuez in a cenforce fm relationship is very subtle, imperceptibly, but quite unambiguously in his statements and views claims to the title of an older. He may not talk about it directly, but you will feel: his opinion is more correct than your. His mind is clearer, funny jokes, the experience is richer, and intelligence is higher. Not that he involves you to finish you with him. Rather, it states the fact: this is the first place, and this is the second.
2. "It seemed to you"
When the other appears all the time in white, the causes of any roughness (which sooner or later arise in any relationship) will be located only on your side. Attempts to object to such an interpretation of the situation are suppressed by one effective method: through unobtrusive, progressive denial of the adequacy of your perception, as well as the distrust of your memory.
This is how the Phenomenon of Gazlaling is issued in a relationship. For some time it is possible to let it go past your ears, but there comes a moment when you begin to doubt the reliability of the information received through your native senses. Somewhere in the depths of the subconscious, an agreement on the rejection of its truth is preparing to conclude if it is uncomfortable for another.
The first and second paragraph unites the desire of a person prone to Abueza, to influence and control. Initially, in a desire to matter to another and know that they listen to your words, there is nothing wrong with. Everything rests on what methods the partner is ready to achieve this, and most importantly – from what position: respect for the right to another to be himself or intolerance for this right?
3. The debtor is convenient
Once I received a message from the reader: "My friend advised me to treat people as if they had already made me some kind of muck". Such a strategy for building relationships is quite popular among the abusers of the middle hand: the phonovo to broadcast dissatisfaction and make it clear – "You better correct your mistake". What error is we talking about, often unclear.
However, a similar way of inducing guilt is really triggered – with people of a neurotic warehouse with increased social anxiety. Especially when the abuser is charming and sparkling and rapprochement with him, it seems, promises joy.
The second popular way to force a partner to feel guilty or shame is the game of “good advance”. Some people prone to Abueza masterfully manage to become useful. The thinner the abuser acts, the more difficult and embarrassing it will be to abandon good or help, which you probably did not even ask. But the return gratitude may not be enough.
Abuguser is interested in leaving you in debtors, because, firstly, this fuel his sense of superiority, and secondly, gives in his hands a reliable lever of influence: at the right time he will remember his good deeds, putting you in an awkward position. And you, of course, want to get out of it.
And the third way to force you to do what a partner with the abusive features wants is to activate a sense of duty through the premises of you on a pedestal. Comparisons with others in your favor, high enthusiastic assessments of your qualities or competencies, generous compliments for a revelation sauce, phrases starting with the words: “only you”, “only with you”, “without you” ..
A lot of efforts will have to be made so as not to melt under the flame of such speeches and not to hurry to justify every delicious word. Especially if you rarely have heard praise in early experience.
When the client at the first reception says: “Only a specialist like you is able to help me!", I make a separate mark in building my therapeutic strategy. After all, these are not just words with a shade of a compliment. Behind them is a clear meta -community: "Now your responsibility is not to disappoint me".
4. Consumerism
A person prone to abushy behavior is extremely poorly tolerates and will try to do everything so that his expectations from his partner are justified. This is how the approach to another is formed as an object, when a phenomenon of consumerism arises inside the relationship, that is, a consumer attitude.
This phenomenon can appear in all layers of communication and in all areas of not only your relations, but also in matters of purely personal, lying within the boundaries of an individual choice. For example, how to look, what to wear, with whom and how much to communicate.
The abuser is in some issues, and sometimes total in everything, he does not see the boundaries where he ends and you begin-with your ideas, aspirations, values. It is easier for him to use all possible pressure tools in order to make you match your ideas about the beautiful than accepting the fact that you are a separate, living person, and not a figure of plasticine, which you can give such a form that you want.
5. From safety deficiency to cruelty
One of the main characteristics of healthy relationships is mutual emotional involvement when partners are interested in each other’s state;They know that they can share experiences in contact without risk to be depressed, used or punished. In relations with an abuser, such risks do not just exist, they are immensely high.
A reduced ability to empathy, that is, the ability to listen to his partner with warm attention, to promise him without resorting to overdue – this is a frequent phenomenon among people with abusive behavior. At first glance, light atrophy of sympathy seems harmless, but often it becomes the predictor of manifestation of cruelty in relations.
In order to move on to blackmail, verbal insults, the use of the innermost information against you, which you once entrusted to this person, to pressure through ignoring (or the so-called “playing silence”), you need to be sufficiently cold-blooded and disconnected from your feelings. And, as is often the case with abusers, when they cause pain to another, they find “exhaustive” and “logical” justifications of such cruelty.
The question of the inadmissibility of violence in relationships, regardless of the reasons, is not worth. And this is perhaps the main danger of proximity to the abuser. For the emotional violence that gets away with him, sooner or later can go to the physical.
6. Psychological licentiousness
Impulsiveness, imperfection, emotionality – personal features that can be quite attractive if a person feels a measure. The border beyond which its turbulence begins to cause frank harm to others.
The abuser experiences severe difficulties in regulating itself, stopping before communication acquires the character of emergency. The ease of transition to scream, damage to the property of his and stranger, risky behavior, aggressive driving – all these behavioral acts in a state of affect are inclined to justify not only the abusers themselves, but also their partners.
“He is such a person, we are all different” sounds very tolerant, but the principles of tolerance imply individual responsibility for the consequences of the said and made.
At whose expense is a banquet? As a rule, an abuse is refrained from compensation for the consequences of his own permissiveness, offering you to write off it for “such life”, circumstances, retrograde Mercury or you, which (a) forced (a) or did not illuminate (a).
7. "A little more"
A common situation in relations with an abuser is the emergence and consolidation of the feeling that something is wrong with you. According to him, you are all a little in a little. But! You can reach if you try. This move allows the abuser to hold the clarified main button in attachment relations: the need to be accepted.
Each of us, reflected in the eyes of a significant person, wants to feel in order. And the trick lies in the fact that the abuser does not refuse to accept you – he sets the conditions in which case this will happen. Inspiring hope, he gains even more power, making you dependent on his assessment. And in this hope for the best attitude you are ready to “correct” for some time, until the fog of addiction begins to dissipate and you do not realize that they are already worthy of respect and love.
If you imagine that learning to safely interact with an abuser is a separate task, then to be able to recognize abusive trends in a person – already half the success. The second half is to find the most optimal ways to confront cruelty and care for your security in contact with such a person.
Abuzive Relations: Methods of self -help
There are effective methods for self -help in relations with Abuzer.
Call a spade a spade
Many cruel manifestations of a person with abusive features tend to "dissipate in the background". It is important to remind yourself with whom you are dealing with, and call a spade a spade, weaning yourself from an unacceptable behavior to write off on magnetic storms.
Practice self -support
It is important to establish a warm, friendly conversation inside yourself, to maintain a high level of trust in your sensations. Start again believed by all your organs of feelings, mind and heart.
Abandon illusions and expectations
To be in attachment relations is one of our basic psychological needs. If this attachment is formed to a person prone to violence, it is very difficult to accept him as he is, without the hope that he will change. But, perhaps, this is the most important step in leaving a toxic dependence – to start seeing a person as he is, and not the way he would like to be so that he would be.
Build clear boundaries
In relations with Abuzer, it is important to pay special attention to the integrity of their borders due to the fact that in contact with such a person they are subjected to regular onslaught. If you do not care about your own psychological comfort, arranging the signs of the “stop” where you want to put them, a partner with a toxic style of behavior will believe that this is his territory.
Regulate the volume of communication
Remember that you are free to regulate the distance and the amount of time that you are ready to spend with a person prone to cruel behavior. Even if it is your closest relative or the most old girlfriend.
If you feel bad from communication with a person, you have the right to reduce this communication or abandon it. When it comes to life and health, other arguments recede into the background. And there comes a moment of an honest and caring conversation with oneself. Take care of yourself!